Sent in by my Sister Robin Smith:
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week, and that I'll do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend; but a talking frog, now that's cool.

Sent in by Paul Field:
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were each given the following problem to solve. A school dance floor included a straight line down the middle dividing the floor in two equal halves. Boys were lined up against one wall and girls against the opposite wall, each facing the centre line. They were instructed to advance in timed stages towards the line every ten seconds, where the distance from the person to the centre line at each stage is equal to one-half the distance at the past stage. i.e.: If the starting distance was D, the progressive series of distances to the centre line is (D, D/2, D/4, D/8, …..D/2n)

The question is, when will they meet at the middle?

The mathematician said that they would never meet. The physicist said they would meet when time equaled infinity. The engineer said that in two minutes they would be close enough for all practical purposes.

Sent in by Mr. Mangano, WCBD.

An OPTIMIST says the glass is half full...
A PESSIMIST says the glass is half empty...
An ENGINEER says "The glass is twice as large as it needs to be."

Sent in by Mike Cassidy

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly," Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I
don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

[dramatic pause]

"Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for
a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for
them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer
who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At
the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill
for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1. Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
 

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Sent in by: Mr. Joe Parker Product Manager, Flowserve FSD Seals

Q: What is the definition of an engineer?

A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?

A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?

A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?

A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?

A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

You might be an engineer if --

-- choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.

-- you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.

-- in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

-- the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.

-- at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.

-- you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.

-- you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

-- you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.

-- you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

-- you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.

-- you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.

-- you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

-- you know what http:// stands for.

-- you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.

-- you see a good design and still have to change it.

-- you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.

-- you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.

-- you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.

-- you window shop at Radio Shack.

-- your laptop computer costs more than your car.

-- your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

-- you've already calculated how much you make per second.

-- you've tried to repair a $5 radio.

(New) Engineering Conversion Factors

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash? 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God? 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? Knot furlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine? 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches? 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis? 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes? A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers? 1 pound cake

13. 1 million microphones? 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles? 2 megacycles..

15. 365.25 days? 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds? 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 10 cards? 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs? 1 Fig Newton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks? 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish? 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins? 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations? 1 decoration

23. 100 rations? 1 C-ration..

24. 2 monograms? 1 diagram

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital? 1 I.V. League

Tools explained

> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

> MECHANIC'S Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing leather seat covers or special order car covers.

> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools build on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of.

> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also, removes fingerprints whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh Shi..."

> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boots.

> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is 10 times harder than any known drill bit.

> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

> METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

> TROUBLE LIGHT: The Mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under vehicles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters.

> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a nuclear power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone at The Motor Company, and rounds them off.

> PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

From David at WBTW. This was sent to me by my fellow engineer Phil, who got it from Eddie, a retired engineer from Panasonic.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't
know where I am."

> The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

> "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no
idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

> The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

> "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Sent in by Mary, Northern Arizona University

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I
was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman
rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her
clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."

====================================
Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

====================================

SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to
the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been
left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets
nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them --- Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen
Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and
creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by
4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
Merry Christmas.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Sent in by Ebau

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty >soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him back up here right now."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right....and just where >are you going to find a lawyer?"